I know that right now, you have no idea of what is going on, that you cannot possibly understand what it is that drives me to snap and huff and roll my eyes. That makes me bark over a pair of ill-fitting mittens and for that I’m grateful. I hope that you will never know depression yourselves, and that you will never see it in those who you love and love you in return. It is painful and frightening, but most of all it is distracting. For every moment I want to focus on you both, there’s like a shadow hanging over us, just slightly out of focus…ruining the mood. A cloud waiting to rain on our parade.
The most important thing you need to know is it’s not your fault. You are not to blame, you were both wanted, are wanted, loved and adored. You bring me happiness with every, single breath you take and I thank the stars for you over and over. Don’t ever think you’re not enough, you are so much more than perfect to me.
I love you both more than I could ever have imagined. You are my world, my everything…and most of all, my reason. My reason to get on, my reason to carry on and my reason to beat this. You deserve the best mother that I can be and one way or another, I will get there. I will make you proud. One day.
Until then, know that I fight for you both. Daily. Know that you are both my number one reason for all that I do. This is not and will never be your fault.
I’ll leave you with some words that always make me think of you; if I can I swear that I will live for you before I die.
My love, always.